


Keeping it Cool for Christmas

by bootsonbutts



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:10:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bootsonbutts/pseuds/bootsonbutts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce and Tony go Christmas shopping, which is one of the worst ideas Tony's ever had.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping it Cool for Christmas

He should have said no. He should have looked him in the eye and laid it down on the line. He should have suggested someone else go.  


Actually, he did. He did all of those things, and yet Tony was fixated on Christmas shopping with Bruce. Bruce tried to explain that pulling a highly volatile man into a highly concentrated mall on Black Friday would only result in highly troubling consequences, but Tony wouldn't have it. He even went so far as to say it would be fun, and if Bruce were to Hulk out it would make the lines a hell of a lot shorter.  


Bruce couldn't argue with that. The second prediction, at least.

* * *

"Think Nat'll like this?" Tony holds up a sixteen-piece knife set, standing in the JCPenney's that has just passed Bruce's comfort level in population density.  


Bruce frowns, shaking his head slightly. "Very funny, Tony. Can we just buy these gifts and get outta here?"  


Tony only responds to Bruce's whine with a smug grin, setting down the knife set to return to wandering around the large, usually roomy department store. For someone who is hardly sentimental about anything apart from himself, Stark loves Christmas shopping, a discovery Bruce stumbled upon earlier that day when Tony confronted him about it. Bruce thought he was joking, and now he aches for the punchline to all of this.  


Bruce follows his friend with significantly less enthusiasm, but quickly enough to avoid getting separated by the other shoppers. "What about a new dress? I saw a few really nice ones in Macy's."  


"Natasha doesn't wear dresses."  


Bruce quickens his pace still so that he walks beside Tony instead of behind, raising his eyebrows at the billionaire. "Of course she does."  


"Name one time when she's worn a dress." Tony turns to Bruce, shooting him a look of victory before merging off of the tile path to compare curtain patterns - he might enjoy Christmas shopping, but he's far from good at it. When Bruce doesn't respond immediately, he says, "See? She's never worn a dress and never has."  


"She just did this Friday, when she went to dinner with Clint."  


Tony glances at his counterpart, silent for a moment before asking quickly, "She's dating Hawkass?"  


"Um... Yes."  


"She never told me that."  


Bruce rocks on his heels, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "She told me," he murmurs, shrugging with a faint, apologetic smile.  


Tony looks at Bruce for a long moment, even narrowing his brown eyes slightly as if scrutinizing his every detail. Bruce hates when people stare at him, hates when he's the center of attention, but with Tony it's even worse. He can feel the back of his neck heat up as he stands there awkwardly, his eyes flicking between Tony and the pack of curtains the man's holding in his hands.  


But Tony dismisses whatever his hectic mind was processing and holds up the curtains sealed in a plastic bag. "What about these?"  


"Curtains aren't typically on anyone's mind when Christmas shopping," Bruce sighs, taking the pack from Tony and setting it back on its shelf. "Who were you planning on even giving them to?"  


"Pepper? She likes house-y things." He shrugs it off, running a hand through his hair as he brushes past Bruce to head out of the department store and find a place appropriate for the team. He meant to joke, and Bruce knows it, too, but even so the physicist can't help when his stomach plummets at the thought of causing Tony grief; the last thing he wants to do is rupture the only stable friendship he shares.  


Tony glances over his shoulder at Bruce, quirking a brow. "C'mon, Mr. Fixit. It's already one and we have zero presents for anybody."  


Bruce nods, assuring himself Tony isn't truly mad as he follows him out of the store. Because he isn't. If Tony Stark was angry, he would let the world know and double-check they received the memo. He isn't mad. _His_ anger shouldn't be at the top of Bruce's worry list anyways.

Two hours later and the items in the bags Bruce and Tony are holding belong to almost everyone in the Tower. Bruce ended up finding a nice evening dress for Natasha after all, and now the pair only need to find something for Director Fury before they can call it a day.  


_Cancel that._ Bruce glances at Tony as they wander through the mall, hoping his friend saw what caught his eye only moments before. Tony's look of impatient wariness confirms that yes, they both saw the red and black figure ordering at the Taco Bell in the packed food court.  


And to think Bruce was just about ready to admit that maybe this adventure wasn't as bad as it easily could have been.  


Tony glances around quickly, making sure they have enough coverage granted by the huge Santa display to cross the floor urgently and duck into Hallmark's. When they get there Tony squats down in front of the glass window, motioning for Bruce to do the same. "We can't let him see us."  


"I know."  


"Because if he does, he'll want you to go Not-So-Jolly Green Giant-"  


"-I _know ___."  


"And this mall will go to hell."  


" _I. Know ___." Bruce shoots Tony a warning look before scoping the crowd for their schizophrenic adversary, but when he comes up short the deep burn in his stomach almost makes him throw up. He _really_ doesn't need this.  


Tony freezes beside him, whispering after a long moment, "...Where'd the little meatloaf man go?"  


Great, so Tony can't find him either. Bruce shifts slightly, sliding his hands under his bent knees to keep them from shaking. "I think we should just go."  


"But if we don't get Captain Nick a present we'll both get fired."  


"...Captain? I doubt that-"  


A throat clears behind them and both men jump bad enough that the fake Christmas tree beside Bruce and the wall trembles and threatens to fall. The young employee leaps to the side to stop the tree from falling, his hazel eyes wide. "Don't make the tree fall. I've knocked it over three times already and my boss said if I do it again I'm fired."  


Bruce forces his shoulders to relax, and next to him he can sense Tony's growing irritation. "Sorry," Bruce whispers, nodding once. "We're..." He falls short, glancing at Tony. _We're avoiding a mercenary who will no doubt attempt to have this mall destroyed for a good laugh._  


"Hiding from Wade?" The boy nods as if he could understand, helping Bruce up and then turning to assist Tony. When he sees their confusion, he adds quickly, "He hangs around here a lot. Creep."  


"That's him." Tony nods, glancing out the window again and pressing his lips into a hard line when he can't locate Deadpool. "He was just at that Taco Bell."  
The boy sighs, nodding slowly as he joins them in looking out the window. Whoever this boy is must have a pretty indecent life, being acquainted with Deadpool. _But then_ , Bruce muses, _who wouldn't?_  


The sound of creaking above them tears Bruce's eyes from the window and throws his gaze up to the ceiling. When he watches one of the ceiling panels begin to lift he nudges Tony to grab his attention, nodding to the ceiling. "I think he's... Up there."  


"Seriously? _What ___the _hell ___. This guy is messed up," Tony fumes, leaving Bruce and the employee to grab a snow globe off a shelf and throw it up at the ceiling before the young man can stop him, covering his head to protect it from shattered glass and water. "Hey! Cancer-slut!"  


A pause. And then-  


"I prefer Cancer-whore."  


Bruce groans, sliding his hands under his glasses to rub his burning eyes. This is just too much. He didn't even want to go Christmas shopping in the first place.  


Tony growls, moving to snag another snow globe, but thankfully the employee grabs his arm in time to stop him.  


"Stop. Please. Just buy the snow globe you broke and run."  


Tony considers this, studying the boy's pleading countenance before agreeing with a strong shake of a fist.  


"Be strong," he says, and walks over to the counter to be rung up. Bruce keeps to his side, but also maintains a wary eye directed at the ceiling panel until he and Tony are out of the store.  


* * *

"That was terrible," he murmurs, setting his bags into Tony's trunk once they get to the parking lot. "What're you going to do with that snow globe?"  


"Give it to Fury," Tony mutters, raising his gaze to Bruce. "Merry Christmas, mothafucker."  


Bruce Banner can't help but smirk, climbing into the passenger seat after Tony shuts the trunk lid. Okay, so, that _was ___terrible. He _hated ___it, and he would readily admit it. But that mall's still standing and Stark still has his sense of humor, and one of them is worth forcing a good viewpoint for.


End file.
